sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
