What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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