My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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