the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
