Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
high people should be assigned attendants
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
