I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
