Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
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Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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