Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
