all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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