I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.