3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
