we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
