You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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