The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
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I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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