You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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