he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize