My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
false alarm, still single
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
