The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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