This dress was meant to end up on your floor
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
