If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
