i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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