Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
