She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
