If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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