I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
