i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
