my mouth tastes like poor choices
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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