You're earring is so big in my mouth
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
