totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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