How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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