Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
