chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
pray to the hookup gods
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
