i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
