So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
