I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
