im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
as a side note pls kill me
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