I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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