im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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