her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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