dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
