just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
