having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize