Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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