matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
