Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
