Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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