You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Your cock deserves a montage
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
