I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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