we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
