listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
