You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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