I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
