I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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