it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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