Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
