Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
