Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
