You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
