Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
